Posts tagged thoughts

…The world tells me to lower my standards. The world makes me fear, and in turn makes me want to hide. It makes me want to take control, to not trust.

The world tells me that it’s not worth it if I don’t get what I want.

The world lies.

I should stop listening to the world.

Because the world doesn’t know what my heart desires.

And the world seeks to destroy what my heart believes in.

This is one of the times I realize what they mean about following your heart. Because when it comes down to it, the world knows nothing and my heart, in its weaknesses and confusion, still knows everything, since I know with Whose heart I was made from.

…Don’t listen to the world, because it lies. Don’t listen to it because it only wants to destroy what’s in your heart. Fight for your heart, because the world has nothing against the strength that the heart can wield.

The world lies. But the heart is stronger.

(Source: him.tinamats.com)

Can I always find it in me to choose to love even if it’s hard?

Earlier this morning, I was trying to finish an article for the newsletter at work about Ondoy, and how the survivors are (that includes me) one year later. I’ve been putting off writing the article because I was busy with other work stuff, but I finally found time this morning because I knew I can’t keep on pushing that deadline forever.

So I started writing it while I was in the car, and as I was reading what my co-writer sent me, my eyes started to fill up with tears. I was surprised because I thought I was more or less over that already. But apparently, i wasn’t. I could remember almost everything that happened almost a year ago. The happiness of booking our flight to Coron, the rain not stopping and watching the waters go up and up until it entered our house and we had to evacuate to our neighbor’s second floor. I can still remember my best friend calling me, terrified after waking up to find their house submerged in knee-deep flood and then calling me later to say that he can’t stay at home because he can smell gas leaking from their jeep. I can still remember our dogs’ frightened yelps as we left them that night because we can’t bring them to our neighbor’s. I can remember the surreality of the next few days and weeks that followed and how scared I was of every typhoon and every rain that came after that day in September.

See, I’m still terrified. I was intending to write a whole post about that earlier, about how hard it is to get over something like this…but then I found out something else later today, one that totally overshadowed what I experienced last year. All my train of thoughts stopped, and I was was absolutely humbled. I felt like God was gently reminding me, “It’s not about you, my daughter.”

I find it funny how often God does that to me lately. I feel like whenever I’d feel bad about something that’s happening in my life, He suddenly shows me something that isn’t really worse, but just bigger, making my worries seem so puny and almost petty.

It’s kind of refreshing to feel that.

* * *

Apparently, God is not done teaching me about perspectives after that. My parents almost always never argue, but earlier today, there seemed to be a more serious argument. This was disturbing, and being a daddy’s girl, I understood my dad’s side almost immediately when he told me what happened. I wasn’t sure how to approach my mom about it because we usually clash with our opinions, so I wasn’t planning to say anything when I met up with her.

I was worried, of course. And then my mom opened up and she started telling me what happened, and thank God He made me shut up and just listen earlier. And I actually understood her side better.

They’re still talking it out right now (which is why I’m still up and blogging because I can’t go inside the bedroom to sleep), and I can’t help mulling over the things I realized as my mom shared her story. Like I said, I have never been in a romantic relationship, so I don’t know how it feels to be jealous (oh, I’ve felt jealousy before, but it was always unreasonable jealousy because the guy was never mine to begin with *cue emo music here*) or to feel other things that are involved in a relationship (see I can’t even name them). I’ve always been easygoing and I guess I am pretty independent, and I’m not used to depending so much on another person for some of my needs. I don’t know if I phrased that right, but it’s like, I’ve always been this person surrounded by friends and yet I am also okay being on my own. The idea of being in a relationship is thrilling and exciting…but am I ready for that? Do I want to be ready? Can my heart handle all the happiness and sadness that comes with it, and possibly even more?

Gosh these questions are questions my friends and I ask when we’re drinking. Or having super emo moments over ice cream.

So many thoughts, so little time. I have no answers to those questions, but I guess I’ll know in time, when God deems me ready. Or even if I’m not, as long as it’s His perfect time, then I will get there, whether I am ready or not. Or whoever he is will get here. Whichever.

* * *

But again, I hear God shushing my thoughts and stilling my heart and saying: It’s not about you, my daughter.

I’m not sure if the last few paragraphs made sense. It’s an emotional rollercoaster day and I can only thank God for keeping me together, keeping my family together and keeping my heart in check. I don’t know what tomorrow brings…but I rest in the fact that my God does, and by His grace, everything will be okay.

Happy September, everyone.